Upside Down and Backwards

Well, I'm back in Siskel and Ebert mode (sorry, Roeper, no jujubees for you!)... Fair warning: I put spoilers in these things, so if you don't want to know, stop reading NOW... Ok... You ready... Ok, here we go...

Over the weekend, I watched an award winning film called SIDEWAYS. Now, I thought it was going to be a comedy about two guys who meet two girls, they drink a bunch of wine, and things happen. Unfortunately, that's exactly what it was. Except for the comedy part.

Our main characters are Miles (played by Paul Giamatti) and Jack (played by Thomas Haden Church). Jack is getting married and Miles, as his best man, is taking him on a week of wine tasting and "last week of freedom" relaxation. The problem is that Jack and Miles have two different ideas of what relaxation entails. Miles wants to taste wine, play some golf... maybe read. Jack wants to get laid. Period. And, if can swing it, get Miles laid as well. Jack feels that Miles needs this sort of relaxation because he's still wound up about his divorce... of two years ago.

This sounds like a set up for a decent (indecent?) comedy. The problem is both Jack and Miles are reprehensible characters. Miles is a passive-aggressive wine snob who steals money from his own mother rather than ask her for it outright. He's caught up in his own personal drama of "Woe is me, I have a failed marriage and I'm on pins and needles to find out if my book is going to be published." (He's an unpublished writer who teaches eighth grade... or an eighth grade teacher who writes unpublished novels, depending on how you look at it...) Jack is an actor, of sorts, who's solution to everything is this: have sex. I know the national statistic for men thinking about sex is something like once every 8 seconds, but Jack tries to HAVE sex once every eight seconds. He's also manipulative and aggressive and obnoxious and plays on his expired 15 minutes in order to get what he wants from strangers. In a word: ick.

So, these two drive up from San Diego to the California wine country. Looking for relaxation... or at least a good bottle of wine. Miles knows this area quite well, and they eat at a restaurant he frequents and are waited on by Maya (played by Virginia Madsen) whom Miles has a crush on but won't admit to himself. Maya is attracted to Miles, a fact Jack picks up on immediately and shoves down Mile's throat with great gusto. Miles tells Jack to back off, but to no avail.

Jack and Miles go on a self-guided wine-tasting tour. At one of the vineyards, they meet Stephanie (played by Sandra Oh). Miles belittles the vineyards goods. Jack hits on Stephanie. Stephanie hits back. Come to find out, Stephanie and Maya are good friends. The four go to dinner. Much wine is consumed. Miles becomes pretty soused and goes off and calls his ex-wife, whom he has just found out is attending Jack's nuptials. Miles makes an ass of himself, as only manically depressed drunks can (on screen at least... I don't know about in real life).

The four go back to Stephanie's house. Jack and Stephanie disappear into another room and soon moans of obvious adult activity begin to emanate. Miles and Maya move to the porch where they continue to discuss wines and how they got into tasting and why, as well as Miles writing. It's pretty obvious that Maya wants to make the same noises Stephanie is making, but is more refined than that. By the time Miles gets the guts to make that kind of move, the moment is way over, and Maya and Miles go their separate ways, but not before Miles give Maya a copy of his manuscript (which comes in two large shoeboxes).

Skip forward. The foursome go out again on a tasting expedition, and this time Maya and Miles "hook up." Things look to be brightening up (to a degree) for our "hero." Until Miles and Maya go on a picnic, and Miles lets slip that he and Jack have to be back to San Diego on Saturday for the dress rehearsal. Insert long record scratch sound here.

Maya is pissed. She's hurt over the secrecy and lies. Miles tries to convice her that he is not like Jack, that he's just Jack's old college roommate. No good.

Miles is back to being very depressed. He figures it can't get any worse and phones up his publisher... who has news... His book will NOT be published, because it can't be marketed. In a fit of pique, he attempts to get drunk in a tasting room, dousing himself with the spitbowl when the server refuses to fill his glass.

Miles and Jack drive back to the motel room, where Stephanie is waiting. Jack approaches her all smiles and charm and promptly gets his ass beat six ways to Christmas by one pissed off woman with a motorcycle helmet. While Jack is getting his face fixed at the ER, Miles calls Maya and apologizes (again) for not being honest with her about his trip's agenda. He also tells her that his novel won't be published, "So I guess I'm not much of a writer. In fact, I'm not much of anything." In this, I can't disagree.

Miles and Jack go to dinner in a western themed restaurant. Jack, who's face is bandaged and looks like he's been through a war, hits on the waitress. Miles, stunned, does nothing. Jack is, after all, nothing if not incorrigible.

We next see Miles startle awake in his room to the pounding of fists on the door. He opens it to let a naked Jack come running in. The waitress, Jack informs, is married and her husband came home early. Miles can do nothing but sit back and laugh. Until Jack breaks down at the remembrance that his wallet is still back at the house... with his wedding rings in it. He cries to Miles that he can't live without Christine, his fiance. Miles buys it and they drive back to the house, where Jack manages yet again, to talk Miles into doing something he doesn't want to do: retrieve Jack's wallet. I won't bother telling you what happens here. Suffice it to say, it's not good, either for Miles or for the viewing audience.

They drive home. Jack convinces Miles to let him drive. Miles reluctantly does so. Jack immediately drives the car into a tree, so that his injury looks less suspicious.

They make it home. Jack gets married. Miles sees his ex and finds out she's pregnant. Miles wants to kill himself. BUT... he gets a call from Maya, who has just finished his novel and she tells him it's good, to not give up. Miles takes this to heart, and we last see him knocking on Maya's door.

Ok, I can understand some of the appeal. Guy overcomes self induced misery, to a point. But did I need to sit through 2 hours of some of the most obnoxious, revolting human attitude to get to it? Is this really what passes for "realistic drama" these days? Because if it is, count me out.

I can whine all on my own about my plot in life's great drama. And often do, much to the regret of my wife and those close personal friends whom I've allowed to share my despair (mostly because they don't own handguns - both for their safety and mine).

I'm disgusted that Jack supposedly represents most males. That is a very sad statement in my mind. I understand wanting to "loosen up" and "have fun," but, I'm sorry, sex is not the be-all end-all solution. Never has been, never will be. In fact, more domestic fights are started because of sex than any other subject. Not money, not personal hygiene, not bad habits. Sex.

Don't get me wrong, I love sex. But I'm not trying to get it anywhere, anyway... that's got to be one of the most selfish concepts known to man. Jack doesn't care who he's hurting or how badly, he just wants his tally wacked. Which shows which head he's thinking with...

Miles is the flipside of this bad penny. He probably DOES need some sex in his life, but for him, he wants it to mean something. He wants it with someone he cares about and who cares about him. This is a lot closer to how I think men ACTUALLY think. It's my blog, my opinion. I'm entitled to my wrong ideas.

Anyway, I thought SIDEWAYS was two hours of depression wrapped in a nice bow and stuffed in a wine (whine?) bottle and tossed out into the sea that is Hollywood.

Feel free to flame me if you disagree. You won't hurt my feelings.

Viva la Raza.. ?

I don't like looking at the news these days. Every time I look at a paper or turn on the TV, somebody somewhere is doing something more stupid and more distructive and more hateful than what they did yesterday.

Case in point: This week is "Let's see how many hispanics we can piss off" week. Immigration reform is the watchword on Capital Hill. "Let Us Work!" is the crys of millions in the streets. Of course, they aren't yelling it in English...

Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing against hispanics. Nothing at all. They are a beautiful people with beautiful culture (and GREAT food). But here's where I have a problem - why do they have a right to yell that they want to keep their jobs when they didn't come to this country legally?

Again, I don't have anything against hispanics. This is not a race issue for me. This is a legal issue. Or more specifically, a criminal issue.

If you come from south (or north for that matter) of the border, I have this to ask you: how did you get here?

If your answer is that you came across at a checkpoint, filled out paperwork, applied for a visa, got permission, learned the language... then I have no problem with you in the least. You are following your dream and you are doing it legally. Kudos to you for following the rules.

If your answer is that you came across late at night, fjorded a river, and hid out in somebody's basement until "the coast was clear"... you, I have a problem with. Because you are the same people that are screaming bloody murder about equal rights and "save our jobs" and other nonsense. Do you or do you not manage to get federal funds, my tax dollars, in addition to the pay check?

I'm not arguing that those issues aren't important. They are, no doubt. But look at it from MY perspective. I'm a white guy, born in this country. Went to an American high school. Went to an American college (such as it was). I'm straight, married, going on 15 years, with three kids. I am in my fourth major job since I left college and I make less than $35K a year.

I have a pretty good life, admittedly. But it is by no means easy. Now granted, I don't have to worry about government agencies coming by, taking away my job, and sending me away. But you know why? Because I'm an American CITIZEN. By birthright, I have citizenship.

Having said that, I have to point out that becoming a citizen is a time consuming, grueling process. I have known several people who have struggled through the process. And every single one has said it was well worth it because they have a better understanding of this country's history, it's governmental processes, and why this country can maintain the more positive aspects of its reputation. In fact, I think all Americans should have to go through the process, native born or not. But I'll save that rant for later...

Where am I going with this? Only this: why should somebody who crept into this country like a criminal be treated with equal respect as one who did it in the light of day, with nothing to hide?

If this country relies on hispanics doing certain types of jobs, and the only way those jobs can be accomplished is through hispanics coming here illegally, then there is a serious problem. Not with the people coming over, but in the system that forces them down a chute of illegality. "We want you here to work our fields, but we don't want to know about it, because if we do know about it, we'll kick you out."

It's messed up. I'm hoping our leaders can put their heads on straight, put serious matters to the fore, and straighten this mess out. If it means loosening up our immigration laws, then loosen them up, Senator Moneybucks. If it means tightening up our border system, then tighten them up.

I have no solutions. I'm just a guy trying to survive my own day to day. And I'm blathering like the brainless slug I am right now. My apologies for my incoherancies. Feel free to flame me, I'm sure I deserve it. Just know that I'm not a racist. I do care about what's going on. I just think that too much emphasis is put on the supposed "human" factor and not enough on the legal system that's supposed to reign some of this nonsense in.

Ok, having now doused myself in kerosene, I await your comments.

A Return to the Beginning... again...

Wow. Rediscovered this old dusty thing. Amazing...

Way back when (when I first started working this blog), my wife and I got into a bit of a tiff regarding the fine art of blogging. I believe it went something like this:

"ONLY CHILD MOLESTERS AND UNDERAGE PUNKS WITH NOTHING WORTH SAYING DO BLOGS!!!"

"yes dear..."

Thus ended my blogging days, less than a month after they were born.

Until recently...

For some unknown reason, this same woman, whom I love with all my mind, body, soul, and pocketbook, decides that blogging is not so bad after all, and that sexual perversion is no longer a prerequisite. Mostly because she started her own.

Aha!

So, I'm back. Probably won't say much, or often. But HOPEFULLY I'll be a bit consistant.

What I originally wanted for the blog was as a film critique site. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Spagman: Movie Critic! The world awaits with baited breath...