Upside Down and Backwards

Well, I'm back in Siskel and Ebert mode (sorry, Roeper, no jujubees for you!)... Fair warning: I put spoilers in these things, so if you don't want to know, stop reading NOW... Ok... You ready... Ok, here we go...

Over the weekend, I watched an award winning film called SIDEWAYS. Now, I thought it was going to be a comedy about two guys who meet two girls, they drink a bunch of wine, and things happen. Unfortunately, that's exactly what it was. Except for the comedy part.

Our main characters are Miles (played by Paul Giamatti) and Jack (played by Thomas Haden Church). Jack is getting married and Miles, as his best man, is taking him on a week of wine tasting and "last week of freedom" relaxation. The problem is that Jack and Miles have two different ideas of what relaxation entails. Miles wants to taste wine, play some golf... maybe read. Jack wants to get laid. Period. And, if can swing it, get Miles laid as well. Jack feels that Miles needs this sort of relaxation because he's still wound up about his divorce... of two years ago.

This sounds like a set up for a decent (indecent?) comedy. The problem is both Jack and Miles are reprehensible characters. Miles is a passive-aggressive wine snob who steals money from his own mother rather than ask her for it outright. He's caught up in his own personal drama of "Woe is me, I have a failed marriage and I'm on pins and needles to find out if my book is going to be published." (He's an unpublished writer who teaches eighth grade... or an eighth grade teacher who writes unpublished novels, depending on how you look at it...) Jack is an actor, of sorts, who's solution to everything is this: have sex. I know the national statistic for men thinking about sex is something like once every 8 seconds, but Jack tries to HAVE sex once every eight seconds. He's also manipulative and aggressive and obnoxious and plays on his expired 15 minutes in order to get what he wants from strangers. In a word: ick.

So, these two drive up from San Diego to the California wine country. Looking for relaxation... or at least a good bottle of wine. Miles knows this area quite well, and they eat at a restaurant he frequents and are waited on by Maya (played by Virginia Madsen) whom Miles has a crush on but won't admit to himself. Maya is attracted to Miles, a fact Jack picks up on immediately and shoves down Mile's throat with great gusto. Miles tells Jack to back off, but to no avail.

Jack and Miles go on a self-guided wine-tasting tour. At one of the vineyards, they meet Stephanie (played by Sandra Oh). Miles belittles the vineyards goods. Jack hits on Stephanie. Stephanie hits back. Come to find out, Stephanie and Maya are good friends. The four go to dinner. Much wine is consumed. Miles becomes pretty soused and goes off and calls his ex-wife, whom he has just found out is attending Jack's nuptials. Miles makes an ass of himself, as only manically depressed drunks can (on screen at least... I don't know about in real life).

The four go back to Stephanie's house. Jack and Stephanie disappear into another room and soon moans of obvious adult activity begin to emanate. Miles and Maya move to the porch where they continue to discuss wines and how they got into tasting and why, as well as Miles writing. It's pretty obvious that Maya wants to make the same noises Stephanie is making, but is more refined than that. By the time Miles gets the guts to make that kind of move, the moment is way over, and Maya and Miles go their separate ways, but not before Miles give Maya a copy of his manuscript (which comes in two large shoeboxes).

Skip forward. The foursome go out again on a tasting expedition, and this time Maya and Miles "hook up." Things look to be brightening up (to a degree) for our "hero." Until Miles and Maya go on a picnic, and Miles lets slip that he and Jack have to be back to San Diego on Saturday for the dress rehearsal. Insert long record scratch sound here.

Maya is pissed. She's hurt over the secrecy and lies. Miles tries to convice her that he is not like Jack, that he's just Jack's old college roommate. No good.

Miles is back to being very depressed. He figures it can't get any worse and phones up his publisher... who has news... His book will NOT be published, because it can't be marketed. In a fit of pique, he attempts to get drunk in a tasting room, dousing himself with the spitbowl when the server refuses to fill his glass.

Miles and Jack drive back to the motel room, where Stephanie is waiting. Jack approaches her all smiles and charm and promptly gets his ass beat six ways to Christmas by one pissed off woman with a motorcycle helmet. While Jack is getting his face fixed at the ER, Miles calls Maya and apologizes (again) for not being honest with her about his trip's agenda. He also tells her that his novel won't be published, "So I guess I'm not much of a writer. In fact, I'm not much of anything." In this, I can't disagree.

Miles and Jack go to dinner in a western themed restaurant. Jack, who's face is bandaged and looks like he's been through a war, hits on the waitress. Miles, stunned, does nothing. Jack is, after all, nothing if not incorrigible.

We next see Miles startle awake in his room to the pounding of fists on the door. He opens it to let a naked Jack come running in. The waitress, Jack informs, is married and her husband came home early. Miles can do nothing but sit back and laugh. Until Jack breaks down at the remembrance that his wallet is still back at the house... with his wedding rings in it. He cries to Miles that he can't live without Christine, his fiance. Miles buys it and they drive back to the house, where Jack manages yet again, to talk Miles into doing something he doesn't want to do: retrieve Jack's wallet. I won't bother telling you what happens here. Suffice it to say, it's not good, either for Miles or for the viewing audience.

They drive home. Jack convinces Miles to let him drive. Miles reluctantly does so. Jack immediately drives the car into a tree, so that his injury looks less suspicious.

They make it home. Jack gets married. Miles sees his ex and finds out she's pregnant. Miles wants to kill himself. BUT... he gets a call from Maya, who has just finished his novel and she tells him it's good, to not give up. Miles takes this to heart, and we last see him knocking on Maya's door.

Ok, I can understand some of the appeal. Guy overcomes self induced misery, to a point. But did I need to sit through 2 hours of some of the most obnoxious, revolting human attitude to get to it? Is this really what passes for "realistic drama" these days? Because if it is, count me out.

I can whine all on my own about my plot in life's great drama. And often do, much to the regret of my wife and those close personal friends whom I've allowed to share my despair (mostly because they don't own handguns - both for their safety and mine).

I'm disgusted that Jack supposedly represents most males. That is a very sad statement in my mind. I understand wanting to "loosen up" and "have fun," but, I'm sorry, sex is not the be-all end-all solution. Never has been, never will be. In fact, more domestic fights are started because of sex than any other subject. Not money, not personal hygiene, not bad habits. Sex.

Don't get me wrong, I love sex. But I'm not trying to get it anywhere, anyway... that's got to be one of the most selfish concepts known to man. Jack doesn't care who he's hurting or how badly, he just wants his tally wacked. Which shows which head he's thinking with...

Miles is the flipside of this bad penny. He probably DOES need some sex in his life, but for him, he wants it to mean something. He wants it with someone he cares about and who cares about him. This is a lot closer to how I think men ACTUALLY think. It's my blog, my opinion. I'm entitled to my wrong ideas.

Anyway, I thought SIDEWAYS was two hours of depression wrapped in a nice bow and stuffed in a wine (whine?) bottle and tossed out into the sea that is Hollywood.

Feel free to flame me if you disagree. You won't hurt my feelings.

Viva la Raza.. ?

I don't like looking at the news these days. Every time I look at a paper or turn on the TV, somebody somewhere is doing something more stupid and more distructive and more hateful than what they did yesterday.

Case in point: This week is "Let's see how many hispanics we can piss off" week. Immigration reform is the watchword on Capital Hill. "Let Us Work!" is the crys of millions in the streets. Of course, they aren't yelling it in English...

Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing against hispanics. Nothing at all. They are a beautiful people with beautiful culture (and GREAT food). But here's where I have a problem - why do they have a right to yell that they want to keep their jobs when they didn't come to this country legally?

Again, I don't have anything against hispanics. This is not a race issue for me. This is a legal issue. Or more specifically, a criminal issue.

If you come from south (or north for that matter) of the border, I have this to ask you: how did you get here?

If your answer is that you came across at a checkpoint, filled out paperwork, applied for a visa, got permission, learned the language... then I have no problem with you in the least. You are following your dream and you are doing it legally. Kudos to you for following the rules.

If your answer is that you came across late at night, fjorded a river, and hid out in somebody's basement until "the coast was clear"... you, I have a problem with. Because you are the same people that are screaming bloody murder about equal rights and "save our jobs" and other nonsense. Do you or do you not manage to get federal funds, my tax dollars, in addition to the pay check?

I'm not arguing that those issues aren't important. They are, no doubt. But look at it from MY perspective. I'm a white guy, born in this country. Went to an American high school. Went to an American college (such as it was). I'm straight, married, going on 15 years, with three kids. I am in my fourth major job since I left college and I make less than $35K a year.

I have a pretty good life, admittedly. But it is by no means easy. Now granted, I don't have to worry about government agencies coming by, taking away my job, and sending me away. But you know why? Because I'm an American CITIZEN. By birthright, I have citizenship.

Having said that, I have to point out that becoming a citizen is a time consuming, grueling process. I have known several people who have struggled through the process. And every single one has said it was well worth it because they have a better understanding of this country's history, it's governmental processes, and why this country can maintain the more positive aspects of its reputation. In fact, I think all Americans should have to go through the process, native born or not. But I'll save that rant for later...

Where am I going with this? Only this: why should somebody who crept into this country like a criminal be treated with equal respect as one who did it in the light of day, with nothing to hide?

If this country relies on hispanics doing certain types of jobs, and the only way those jobs can be accomplished is through hispanics coming here illegally, then there is a serious problem. Not with the people coming over, but in the system that forces them down a chute of illegality. "We want you here to work our fields, but we don't want to know about it, because if we do know about it, we'll kick you out."

It's messed up. I'm hoping our leaders can put their heads on straight, put serious matters to the fore, and straighten this mess out. If it means loosening up our immigration laws, then loosen them up, Senator Moneybucks. If it means tightening up our border system, then tighten them up.

I have no solutions. I'm just a guy trying to survive my own day to day. And I'm blathering like the brainless slug I am right now. My apologies for my incoherancies. Feel free to flame me, I'm sure I deserve it. Just know that I'm not a racist. I do care about what's going on. I just think that too much emphasis is put on the supposed "human" factor and not enough on the legal system that's supposed to reign some of this nonsense in.

Ok, having now doused myself in kerosene, I await your comments.

A Return to the Beginning... again...

Wow. Rediscovered this old dusty thing. Amazing...

Way back when (when I first started working this blog), my wife and I got into a bit of a tiff regarding the fine art of blogging. I believe it went something like this:

"ONLY CHILD MOLESTERS AND UNDERAGE PUNKS WITH NOTHING WORTH SAYING DO BLOGS!!!"

"yes dear..."

Thus ended my blogging days, less than a month after they were born.

Until recently...

For some unknown reason, this same woman, whom I love with all my mind, body, soul, and pocketbook, decides that blogging is not so bad after all, and that sexual perversion is no longer a prerequisite. Mostly because she started her own.

Aha!

So, I'm back. Probably won't say much, or often. But HOPEFULLY I'll be a bit consistant.

What I originally wanted for the blog was as a film critique site. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Spagman: Movie Critic! The world awaits with baited breath...

Fourth Down and counting....

The Fourth of July. A time for BBQ and loud noises and drunken neighbors arguing over who set the dog on fire.

But it's also a solemn holiday as well. It's a time to remember - and remember well - that FREEDOM IS NOT FREE. We have several days a year where we commemorate our war heroes, but for some reason, few people get it through their heads what personal sacrifices must be made in the name of national freedom. In fact, from what I see on the news, a great number of people have absolutely no clue as to what FREEDOM is. So let's take a look at what is freedom as well as the American Pledge of Allegiance and see if we are really living up to the standard (haha, I make joke).

Dictionary.com has several definitions for freedom. First (and most abused in my opinion) is "the condition of being free of restraints." I say abused because I see examples, almost daily, of people who believe that "free of restraints" is synonymous with "free of laws." That they can do whatever they want to do, regardless of who it affects or how, just because they WANT to. People, THAT is not freedom. That is perverse selfishness. I think the better definition is "the capacity to exercise choice." The CAPACITY to exercise choice. Capacity meaning ability, to be able. We in this country are allowed to make personal choices. BUT, just because we're allowed to make choices DOES NOT EXEMPT US FROM SUFFERING CONSEQUENCES FROM MAKING THOSE CHOICES!!!

One of the laws of physics states that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This holds true in sociology and psychology as well. If someone pushes, someone else is going to push back, usually harder. We're seeing this nightly on the news. A group of people pushed the U.S. hard on September 11, 2001. The U.S. pushed back and were initially successful. But now, people the U.S. really shouldn't have pushed are pushing back at us. These are the consequences of a choice made.

Was it the right choice? I don't know. Was it the wrong choice? I don't know. All I know is that it was A CHOICE. And nobody REALLY knows for sure if the figurehead made that choice. This country is not run by a single individual, but by a committee of men and women who supposedly know what we, as a country, need and make decisions accordingly. They pass these decisions onto the figurehead, our President, who gets the praise or tomatoes for those decisions.

Ok, I'm starting to rant here. Need to back down...

Let's move on to the Pledge. I'm going to break it down by word or phrase.

I - this indicates PERSONAL responsibility. You cannot speak for the guy standing next to you at the ball game.

Pledge - offer or guarantee by a solemn BINDING promise. A solemn oath.

Allegiance - Loyalty or the obligation of loyalty, as to a nation, sovereign, or cause. (Loyalty is synonymous with FIDELITY which is "faithfulness to OBLIGATIONS, duties, or observances."

to the flag of the United States of America - the flag being the best known symbol representing a region or individual ruler, the standard. In this case, a piece of clothe with 13 red and white stripes and an upper left-hand corner in blue with 50 white stars is the world wide representative that the United States of America is in the area. Not the United States of Brazil (as some debate nut tried to put past me some years ago), not the United States of Saudi Arabia, of AMERICA. 'nuff said.

and to the republic for which it stands - a political order whose head is not a monarch and in modern times is usually a president; a nation that has such a political order.

One nation - singular country. We may have 50 parts, but it is still ONE country. And whether or not we want to agree with it, what happens in New Jersey can effect what goes on Oregon, what happens in Montana can effect what goes on in Florida. It's like a car: a bunch of different parts working together to make the machine go in a given direction. If a part breaks down, it effects that WHOLE machine.

under God - I don't care what your religious preference happens to be, this nation was founded on belief of a higher being. The concept of separation of church and state was NEVER intended to get God out of our government, merely to get THE CHURCH out of our government. No one church should run the nation. But God is a BIG part of why the US is the way it is.

indivisible - consisting of a whole whose parts cannot be divided or treated individually. Again, we may be 50 states, but ONE NATION. When we react to a world event, it's as a NATION. The state of Texas cannot go to war with Mexico on it's own. Hopefully we'll never have to see that scenario again...

with Liberty - The right and power to act, believe, or express oneself in a manner of one's own choosing.

and Justice - The principle of moral rightness; equity.

for all - that means EVERYONE, regardless of RACE, CREED, SEX, ORIENTATION, FINANCIAL ABILITY, or MENTAL STATUS. EVERYONE.

So, America... Are we living up to our promise? Is there Liberty and Justice for ALL? Somehow, I don't think so. But we do the best with what we have, and strive to be better.

Then again, I could be a sentimental, naive can of haggis... Let me know.

Return of the King (of Popcorn Cinema)

Ok, here's how it goes down...

I LOVE movies. All kinds. Mostly those big budget spectacles where you wonder how you managed to eat a dumptruck full of popcorn when it's all over with.

I'm especially tetched when it comes to super hero flix. And let's face it: that's what they are - FLIX. Not "movies", not "films," Heaven forbid they be "cinema..." No, they are FLIX, those flashy pictures that beg you to scarf down garbage-can sized containers of hot buttered popcorn (with or without Hot Tamales) and gargle a gallon and a half of high-sugar carbonated soda water, all in the comfort of a semi-reclined plastic chair designed for kindergarteners and surrounded, in the dark, by 75 of your closest... bodies... that need a French bath at best.

Ok, I went a little off the deep end with that one. My apologies.

But you know what I mean. There's excitement at movie theaters! There's energy! There's pazazz! Especially with a Popcorn Flick.

This week is/was no exception. Wednesday, SPIDER-MAN 2 opened to the general gaping audience, and we ate it up like that big bucket o' corn.

The film takes place two years after the fateful events of the previous film, and we can see how those two years have effected the characters.

Peter Parker is a struggling shlub of a guy. You cannot help but feel for him. He's trying to make ALL his ends meet, and having the worst time of it. His finances are swirling, his education is reaching for the barf bag, and his love life is a non-entity. And through all that, he is STILL Spider-Man: a true hero. And that's part of his problem... so he thinks.

The flip of that coin is Mary Jane Watson. When last we left this damsel, she was having the tough time of it. She was struggling to become successful in the Big Apple, working as a waitress and practically begging for acting gigs. NOW, we see her face on billboards, she's in a successfully (I'm assuming off-Broadway) play, she has a (good looking, successful, popular) boyfriend. She's got it made... or does she?

And then there's Harry Osborne. Poor Harry. He lost his father (who pretty much ignored him most of his life) when daddy was "killed" by Spider-Man. Now Harry is the head of Oscorp. He's rich, he's good looking, and he's miserable as hell. Why? Why, because he knows that Mary Jane really does love Peter Parker, his supposed best friend. And he's obsessed with getting revenge upon Spider-Man for what happened to his father, Norman. What's a poor little rich boy to do?

We also have Aunt May, loving widow of Ben Parker, who was shot and killed during a car-jacking in the previous film - a crime that Peter COULD have prevented. She is trying to cope with the loss of her spouse (not to mention the spouse's income), and trying to help Peter be the good boy she knows he is.

About the only hold-over character who DOESN'T change (much) is J. Jonah Jameson, chief of the Daily Bugle and Peter's boss. He is still a cantankerous fart who loves to stir the pot for his readership. And even HE changes some.

New to the cast is Dr. Otto Octavias (sp?), a brilliant physicist who is preparing to show the world a new power source. Of course, something goes wrong... otherwise we wouldn't have a movie.

This movie has a lot more depth than you would expect. The angst of Peter struggling to find his true place in the world is incredible. The poor guy is just pulled EVERY direction in the worst way. But even when he is in the doldrums, you have to like him, because even when he's giving up... he doesn't give up.

One of the greatest scenes is Pete, as Spider-Man, riding in an elevator (I won't tell you WHY he's in an elevator, that would be giving it away). In comes a guy getting ready to walk his dog. And there's Spidey, riding in the elevator. If you've read the comics, you can almost SEE the thought bubbles over his head as the conversation takes place. Goes something like this: "I'm a hero! I'm a DORK! I'm a HERO! I'm a DORK!!" It's a piece of inspired brilliance.

I LOVED this movie. Roger Ebert called it the best super hero movie ever, and I have to agree with him. Great story, excellent acting, action galore, humor, angst, action, kissing, action (the subway fight is phenomenal).

So here's how it breaks down: 5 stars

Here's the scale:
1 star - tolerable, but JUST barely
2 stars - Ok, will probably watch it on cable if nothing better is on
3 stars - pretty good, willing to spend money to see it
4 stars - great flick, see it several times
5 stars - will be an oft-viewed member of personal collection as soon as it becomes available.

Let me know what you think!

Children of the 2K's

So here's the deal...

I've got three kids. Love them. Love them like nothing else on this planet. Two boys and a girl. My kiddos.

Doug is the oldest, just turned 10 in April. Now, THAT in an of itself is probably not so terrifying. And truth be told, I'm not that scared. But I get worried. I'm in my mid-30's. My oldest is starting his second decade. I'm unemployed and the boy eats like food grows on trees... ah... wait a sec... Ok, so MAYBE food DOES grow on trees, but if someone would tell me where the Wonder Bread tree grows in my neighborhood, I'd be greatly appreciative.

Jon is the youngest. He turns three in September. Ladies and germs, if you have NEVER butted heads with a two-year-old in the midst of potty training, you are missing out on the fight of your life. Forget financial arguments or sex arguments or who-took-the-trash-out-last fights. You know NOTHING of argument until you try to match wits with a two year old kid who doesn't give a hoot about "going poopy in the toilet." You'd be better off just smacking your head against a brick wall, man. It hurts less.

And then there is Allie. She turned five in March. She is my princess, my darling, my silent angel. Allie has a neurological disorder called Retts Syndrome. It is one of the harshest "diseases" a human could be strapped with I think. It mostly effects girls (the boys with it don't tend to survive birth) and typical early symptoms include loss of language and manual dexterity. They have seizures, they have eating problems (similar to acid reflux), they have splitting headaches. What they don't have is a physical appearance that marks them as being "mentally retarded." Quite the contrary: they are very beautiful girls. Allie has a million dollar smile that lights up her face.

I can't write much more on this critter right now. I'll have to try and take up the thread another time.

In the meantime, those of you with children who read this: thank GOD if they're normal, and thank GOD even if they aren't. Children are special gifts. They show us our immortality, even in the midst of their mortality.

Spag Man

Once More, into the Breach...

Ok, so here we are, 17 minutes before the first day of July in the year of Our Lord 2004.

A snazzy start, if I do say so myself, but then again: this is MY blog, I can say pretty much whatever I want to.

Not that I will. I'm not THAT entertaining...

Too much stuff to discuss right now:

Is Michael Moore an Arrogant Galoot or Sharp Witted Documentarian?
Is President Bush doing things for the good of the Nation or fulfilling some personal vendetta in the name of his father?
Is it really a big deal that the LA Lakers lost the playoffs this year?
Why on EARTH are so many people being snookered and suckered into all this Atkins friendly bovine feces?!?!?
Who should go first: lawyers or insurance people? Kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out...
Less Filling or Tastes Great?

I just don't know. Personally, the only thing I'm rooting for right now is Lance Armstrong in the Tour De Lance. (YES, you Frenchie Frogs, I'm calling it the Tour De LANCE. I don't bloody well care that it takes place in your country. Bite me!)

Did see Spider-Man 2 today. If you have time, if you have money, if you are inclined to be entertained by comic-book action: SEE THIS MOVIE. Ebert called it "the best comic book movie ever," and I'm apt to agree with him... At least until X-Men 3 comes out.

So we'll see just how long I can keep this thing going. I used to do some writing and post over at www.fictionpress.com as well as www.fanfiction.com but LIFE kept getting in the way. Unemployment has helped solve some of that, but doesn't go very far to keeping the family in beans and weenies. Oh well. Thank God for MONSTER.COM.

Letting the bulls run for now,

I'm the Spag Man, the one and only Spaggis (and to whoever is imitating me out there: you don't know Jack!)

Spaggis - spam haggis, for those poor Scottish folks who can't afford to steal a sheep...